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In light of recent world-wide events and trends, today's column is an apology.
Firstly, I apologise for not being black.
I am aware that being black is very important in today's society. After hundreds of years of fighting oppression, discrimination and prejudce, it is time for black people to be fully compensated for the distress, financial penalty and humiliation they have suffered at my hands.
Secondly, I apologise for not being trans-sexual, gender-fluid or gay.
My blatant hetrosexuality is clearly an offence to humanity and I should be ashamed.
Finally, I apologise for all the bad things that happened before I was born. Although I was not their to stop these bad things happening, it is still a burden I must carry and to all those who have been disadvantaged by those things, I am truly sorry.
Am I taking the piss?
You bet I am.
Am I racist, sexist or in any way phobic towards any of the groups I've just spoken of?
Hell no, absolutely not.
I am very pleased to say that the group I call my friends includes people of many different races, cultures and gender preference and I do not judge them on anything other than their opinions, outlooks, actions and personalities.
One of my daughters is gay and that is something that simply does not make one shred of difference.
I fly model aircraft with a couple of women who used to be men and again, their gender fluidity makes zero difference to the way they are treated -- they are my friends, just like everyone else I fly with.
Even within the ranks of our local council, I judge each and every member based solely on their performance and coincidentally, the stand-out performer is a Maori woman who is one of the very few (within a largely caucasian bunch) that does her job with pride, competence and professionalism.
Yet, despite my totally agnostic attitude to race, gender and sexuality, I must apologise -- seemingly for all the reasons I listed at the top of this column.
If I do not apologise, I risk becoming a victim of the latest "thing" which is now being referred to as "the cancel culture".
Not to show contrition, shame and regret for all the bad things done to minorities is now seen as being racist, sexist or anti-LBGTQ, and that is simply unacceptable (apparently).
Social media platforms are kicking people out for not being strongly enough aligned with the BLM movement and those who aren't forcibly removed are choosing to leave those platforms before they're shamed. Some of the longest-standing "names" on YouTube, such as Jenna Marbles, have signed off with apologies for things they said many years ago. These were things that were not intended to be racist or demeaning of others but, in today's climate we have certain individuals that are just looking for reasons to be offended and appear to be trawling through archives to highlight *anything* they can use to shame others.
As a result of this we have legions of people making apologies to these minorities for even the slightest "perceived" failing -- and the entertainment industry is the absolute worst.
For instance, last week, US broadcaster Fox came out and said that it was going to make sure that only black voice actors played black characters in its productions (such as The Simpsons).
Fox claims to be anti-racism but here they are, demanding that certain roles are filled on the basis of race. Do they not see the irony... nay... the hypocrisy of this?
Will they similarly demand that only white actors voice white characters in the cartoons they broadcast? I ask because there are a number of black voice actors that do play white characters in popular TV cartoon series.
Oh no, they couldn't do that because that would be racist... right?
I'm sorry, the world has gone stark raving bonkers and this whole racism mess has become the most hypocritical farce I think I've ever seen in my 67 years on the planet.
We're about to lose our Eskimo Pies and Eskimo lollies because, wait for it, they are now deemed offensive to a minority (the Inuits of North America). God knows what the iconic chilly-bin maker "Esky" in Australia are going to do now. Will they completely rebrand or be called "racists"?
Many iconic brands such as Uncle Ben's are going to remove the black figures that have been part of their trademark for decades... because apparently that's racist too.
I'm sorry but if this is life in the 21st century all I can say is that I'm glad I've only got a short number of years left to put up with the crap that the world is becoming.
Now it's time for my *real* apology...
I'm so sorry that so many people are so weak that they feel the need to jump on whatever bandwagon of political correctness comes along -- for fear of being called a name like "racist".
Personally, I don't fear being called a racist. I have nothing to prove and will not change my own perspectives just to be seen to be sufficiently WOKE. I'm pretty sure that my non-caucasian friends, my trans-sexual friends and my gay friends will take me for what I am... someone that judges people as people, not as any subset of the human race which is based on skin-colour, gender or sexual preference.
And the rest of the rabble-rousing, trouble-making, spineless lemmings can go get stuffed.
I strongly suspect that there are a lot of other people who would like to say what I've just said in this column but are fearful of the reaction it might bring from the mighty WOKE masses. Me... well I've never much cared about what others have said about me and I prefer to be blunt and honest rather than bullied by peer pressure.
How about you?
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